Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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