we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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