Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
