Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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