There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
