My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
