Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
