There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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