I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
