ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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