Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
