why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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