dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
tell me about the eggs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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