I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
