i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
