Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Randomize
