My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
