i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
