Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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