The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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