Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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