You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize