Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
