I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
