Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize