last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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