Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
