Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
