I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
