Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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