dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My hand turned me down
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
