sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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