At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
