my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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