Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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