Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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