i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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