So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
