i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
