shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
