totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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