A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Randomize
