There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
