I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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