my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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