So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do vagina's smell?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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