I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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