he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You were trust falling into bushes
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