All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
