so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
