I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's just like the Real World with babies
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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