mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
