My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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