Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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