I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
